A dear friend recently asked me what we did about sibling rivalry when my children were growing up, and I had the most unimpressive answer ever: "I don't know... ;-)". I supposed we must have done something, with seven children all learning to get along, and a mother with a very low tolerance for bickering. So, my initial answer was that we focused on "getting along." But in the days since, my mind has returned to this question so often that I finally have a better answer.
(This is for you, Tanya W., and thanks!!)
Here it is: day in, and day out, over, and over, and OVER, we learned....how to get along. But...what did this look like, and what did I actually say and do with all my fiesty kids? Upon reflection, I realized there were skills I taught my crew that accounted for the familial harmony we enjoyed.
We learned how to communicate.
We learned how to relate.
We learned how to put others first.
We learned to forgive.
We learned that family is important, and relationships matter more than other things. In our family parlance: "Family are your most important friends" and "People are more important than things."
I wonder if "rivalry" is really what we mean when we talk about our children arguing, fighting, teasing, being selfish, being thoughtless, and generally being immature. Are they competing with one another for our attention? Our love? Our approval? If so, then the first matter of business would be to adjust your parenting style so that you are not comparing one child with another, or showing favoritism in any way. Each child is amazing, and worthy of recognition for their wonderful qualities.
Shift your focus to being a family unit, individuals on a team, each with particular gifts. God sets us into our families in accordance to His plan, and if you can get along with your family, you will be prepared to get along with just about anybody. Many times, I told a child that God put him or her in this family with that sibling, so he or she would have many opportunities to learn how to relate to that kind of person, and that this was Preparation for Life. The difficult personality also received instruction in what God says about how to treat others.
I believe what we are really talking about is RELATIONSHIPS.
When you have a few children, the dynamics of family relationships multiply geometrically! What's a mother to do?!
Teach with Scripture. What does the Bible say about relating to people? There is not one set of rules for siblings, and another for everyone else. Look for instruction in how to treat others, and put those principles into action within your family. Write selected verses and passages on index cards for quick reference.
For example--
Ephesians 4:29-32
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen.
And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Whoa, pretty straightforward instruction, right? Even a child can understand that, so we memorized this passage, and worked on living by it.
Philippians 2:3-4 is clear as well:
"Do nothing out of selfishness or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
Working on living this way helped us cultivate consideration for others, yielding gracefully to others when appropriate, and not being self-centered. We summarized this verse as Put Others First.
And how about Colossians 3:12-14?
"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."
What?! Forgive as The Lord forgave me?! Learning to forgive and not hold a grudge is very important, and we get lots of practice at that in families.
Galatians 5:2, 14 says
"The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself"...the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law."
Who is our neighbor, toward whom we live with the fruit of the Spirit? Why, those close to us, since neighbor means "near one." Definitely includes siblings sharing a room, and, siblings living in the same household. :-)
Okay, so you've got this stack of Bible verses on index cards. What now? TEACH. Teach your children that the Bible is our standard for life and, if you haven't already, establish rules based on God's Word. Be sure your children know what is acceptable, and what is not....and why not? What does the Bible say about how to treat people? An excellent resource for searching out the what and why is Pam Forster's For Instruction in Righteousness. This book was helpful in locating Bible passages and verses dealing with our particular faults. Another excellent reference is Child Training Bible, ChildTrainingBible.com. With this resource, relevant verses are color-coded to an index of behaviors, creating an easy-to-use aid for training right in the middle of childish misbehavior. As the Word of God becomes hidden in your heart, your dependence on these helps may lessen, but it is just as likely that new faults in different areas will give you opportunities to dig more deeply into God's Word. It's all good. ;-)
If all this is a new start for you, be encouraged. It is never too late to train your beloved children. What you may discover is that Mom needs training as much as anyone! We mothers can not be lazy in teaching and training our children in right behavior, and then moan and whine when they become brats. What are your family rules? Ask your children. They likely know!
If they do not, start with Ephesians 6:1-3.
Learn "The Golden Rule," Matthew 7:12 and Luke 6:31.
I recommend The 21 Rules of This House by Gregg and Josh Harris for an excellent set of rules that addresses all misbehavior likely to occur.
If they do not, start with Ephesians 6:1-3.
Learn "The Golden Rule," Matthew 7:12 and Luke 6:31.
I recommend The 21 Rules of This House by Gregg and Josh Harris for an excellent set of rules that addresses all misbehavior likely to occur.
Wear out your Bible verse cards as you commit the Bible standards to memory together. LISTEN to your children, and use opportunities for training.
It will take time.
It will interrupt what you are doing.
It will make you feel like a broken record.
And it WILL make a difference. Step in at the first indication of argument, or selfishness (aka not sharing), or teasing gone too far. Ask: "What does God say about the way you're to treat your brother/sister?" OR "Are the voices I hear pleasing to God?" "What does God say about fighting over toys?"
It will take time.
It will interrupt what you are doing.
It will make you feel like a broken record.
And it WILL make a difference. Step in at the first indication of argument, or selfishness (aka not sharing), or teasing gone too far. Ask: "What does God say about the way you're to treat your brother/sister?" OR "Are the voices I hear pleasing to God?" "What does God say about fighting over toys?"
What?! You don't normally talk like that?
Long years ago, my husband and I attended Michael and Susan Bradrick's seminar, "Raising Godly Children in an Ungodly World." That day probably marks the beginning of a major paradigm shift toward a Biblical view of family relationships. In my notes from that day are those words, "What does God say about____," which sounded stilted at first, but soon became a new tool in learning how to apply God's instruction to our everyday lives. To prime the pump, here are some other thought-provoking questions you might pose to your kids:
Long years ago, my husband and I attended Michael and Susan Bradrick's seminar, "Raising Godly Children in an Ungodly World." That day probably marks the beginning of a major paradigm shift toward a Biblical view of family relationships. In my notes from that day are those words, "What does God say about____," which sounded stilted at first, but soon became a new tool in learning how to apply God's instruction to our everyday lives. To prime the pump, here are some other thought-provoking questions you might pose to your kids:
Are you being patient?
Are you putting others first?
Are you looking out for the interests of your sister?/brother?
Are you speaking with gentleness?/kindness?/respect?
What does the Bible say about teasing?
Are you practicing self-control?
Was that helpful for building others up?
Are you choosing actions/words that bring peace?
What does the Bible say about man's anger?
The only way to answer those questions is to go to Scripture....ah, you see where this is going. When the Bible is our authority, we have a true and solid foundation. While it takes time to look up the Biblical instruction currently needed, and to discuss its application for life, this is time well spent meditating on God's Word. The Word of God is powerful, and accomplishes more than all the popular child training methods in the world. Before long, we could see the Fruit of the Spirit blossoming, as it were, in our children.
I am in a different season of life now, as grandmother (yippee!) to 11. When I began Biblical training with my children, I did not think about how it would affect my future grandchildren. I was focused on the immediate future :-), and the dailyness of dealing with the sin nature seemed endless. With lovely hindsight, I can tell you that it was absolutely worth every minute of painstaking training to help my children hide God's word in their hearts. I had a lot of learning to do myself! Of course we had memorized all the expected passages: The Beatitudes, Psalm 23, The Lord's Prayer, The Ten Commandments. But, ouch, memorizing Scripture that poked our consciences specifically about our daily faults was different! God has a lot to say about relationships in His Word. I failed miserably more often than I got it right, but the Word of God never fails, and so, in spite of my inexperience with Biblical training, my children developed strong, solid sibling relationships. Now they are skillfully training their own children!
I invite you to explore Scripture in child training, and share helpful resources you have discovered in the comments, please.
Two recent books that give a good picture of applying Scripture to child training (that I wish had been written when my children were young) are Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes ...in you and your kids and Home Improvement, the parenting book you can read to your kids, by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller.
Other books that were helpful: How to Talk so Kids Can Listen and Listen so Kids Can Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish; Don't Make Me Count To Three and Wise Words for Mom, by Ginger Plowman; Children Are Wet Cement, by [?Anne Ortlund]; The Young Peacemaker, by Corlette Sande.
(This post was left to languish in draft-land, 4/14/2014. I decided to go ahead and post it, because someone recently asked me about siblings again! Happily, I now love 15 grandchildren, as God provides the littles with new siblings to learn to love, heehee.)
